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Faking It

from Attract Hazard by Sam Nabi

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lyrics

The angels are scared of me
Diego Rivera, we’re painting the town red
This is therapy
If you care to see heresy, share in my frequency
Recently it has been hard to breathe easily
Cards that you’re dealing me
Flip up my hand to reveal them, I read and weep
Back in the day, you know Jesus would speak to me
I found relief and the words came so easily
Worry released at the feet of a deity
Greeting me like a believer
The key to salvation was free to me — So why did I leave?
I don’t have a good answer
Somewhere between speaking tongues
And leaving the spirit behind like a phantom
At some point I knew
I had left God in the pew

Faking it felt fine
‘Til my faith faded
I figure I’ll take my chances
Save your answers

I remember the night I got saved
At a prayer circle in the basement
They said, “Close your eyes — if you died tonight
Would you make it to heaven?”
Breath caught in my chest, I confessed
And they sent me away with a new Bible
Wrote the date on the first page: In the beginning
Signed it and sealed my fate
Conversion complete, some of the boys and I
Snuck a peek at nude models in magazines
Peer pressure up against purity
Pre-teen masculinity was new to me
Consuming fire, fan into shame
In the secret, in the quiet I wait
How will my fate play out?
None but the power of grace remains
So I pull a Pascal, playing it safe

Faking it felt fine
‘Til my faith faded
I figure I’ll take my chances
Save your answers

I came of age in a church at the top of a hill
So we could look down on the city
The key to salvation was a bigger building
So said the fundraising committee
They put a cellphone tower in the steeple
I’d say that’s a higher calling
Open the door and here are the people
Saying, “I call on Jesus to heal the deceitful!”
Money’s the root of all evil
So lay down your burden, now you can sleep well
Always felt uneasy around those deep pockets
But the music was good so I swallowed my awkward
That’s how I got my start singing
Ringing in altar calls to redeem the sinning
I threw away all of my secular CDs
To keep my mind pure for the blessings God’s bringing
If all of the point of this sacrifice
Is to elbow your way to the afterlife
And one little unrepented sin does you in
So you won’t pass your last rites
Well, that’s a little much for me
I’ma do right while I have life, but don’t hustle me
I don’t recall the last time I prayed
But I think I’m done trying to ask nice
This year for lent, I gave up trying to repent
Rather than cut off my hand
I’m done with pruning my branches
We’re all fallen, can’t you leave it at that?
I’m lukewarm, can’t get deeper than that
It’ll take a long time to make peace with my past
I’m done with disciples conspiring to save me
I’ll throw out the bathwater and the baby

credits

from Attract Hazard, released March 21, 2020

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Sam Nabi Kitchener, Ontario

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